Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Real Housewives of Dallas Premiere Features Farts and Pooping Themselves in Labor
As the Real Housewives franchise grows with new cities and new ladies who know how to play the reality TV game, things get predictably zanier, including the taglines. Just look at The Real Housewives of Dallas. Bravo's newest entry into the ever-growing franchise stars Brandi Redmond, Cary Deuber, LeeAnne Locken, Stephanie Hollman and Tiffany Hendra and boy do they give the ladies of Atlanta, New York City, New Jersey, Orange County, Beverly Hills and Potomac a run for their money with the intros and personalities that go with them.

The taglines, ranked from worst to best—along with some choice anecdotes from the big premiere—are below.

Tiffany Hendra: "I came to Dallas to shine my light, not to fight." Meh. Tiffany revealed a hard partying past from her time in Hollywood and introduced viewers to her hot rocker husband (complete with Keith Urban hair). She also dropped the biggest bomshell of the episode: she hasn't have garlic bread since 1989. That was a joke, probably, but what a horrifying thought.

Brandi Redmond: "I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas I'm never on the sidelines." During her introduction she revealed she started dating her husband to make an ex-boyfriend jealous and now they have a redheaded brood. She was proposed to twice, the first time she had the runs after being in Mexico. Classic. And she calls wine Jesus juice, because the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine. She knows the character she's taking on and this is going to be a wild season.

Stephanie Hollman: "I'm the girl next door…if you live in a big ol' mansion." Stephanie can apparently fart on command and Brandi will then dance in her fart. She gets to-do lists from her husband to make money, but Brandi advises her to just steal the money like she does, which, well, yeah. She also admits her romance was fueled by "Jesus juice" and partying. Farting on command came up more than once in the premiere, so why wasn't that her tagline?

Cary Debuber: "I'm not a trophy wife, I'm a lifetime achievement award." "The silver lining after having breast cancer is to at least get a new pair of tits that are pretty," she said of her charity work in the episode. By the way, her husband's whole family went to her second wedding in Hawaii…he's her third marriage.

LeeAnne Locken: "I grew up a carny kid—Play games with me and you're gonna pay." "They call me the mouth of the South," she says in her first segment on the show before revealing her carnival past. There is no topping this tagline. LeeAnne clearly fancies herself the grande dame of this group of ladies, which they all sort of agree with when it comes to charity work. Pray for an episode where LeeAnne returns to a carnival for an emotional reunion. According to Brandi, LeeAnne has perfected the "nice to meet you" game when interacting with people she's already met. There's going to be no shortage of drama between Brandi and LeeAnne and we are here for that.

It's really all about LeeAnne's carny line. Did you ever imagine there would be a Real Housewives tagline about being a carny? Or Housewives who would so openly talk about their farts and pooping themselves in labor?

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Mondays, 10 p.m. on Bravo.
RELATED:  LeeAnne Locken Blasts Brandi Redmond For Dissing Her: ‘You’re Acting Like A B***h!’